Jimmi’s experience: My funny pre-vasectomy story

I won’t bore you with my life details. Just tell you that I’m 29, college educated, wife of 8 years, 2 kids.

We decided to have a Vasectomy. I’m on board and so is the wife. She’s a stay-at-home mom but even so, 2 kids keep us busy and we’re happy with this size of a family.

So I go in for the consultation and everything is going well. He informs me that I should shave myself instead of having it done by them. I agree.

Wondering how in the world I’m going to shave myself without giving myself a vasectomy I just push it out of my mind. Fast forward a week and it’s now the night before the procedure. Sometime around Midnight I use the restroom and realize I HAVEN’T SHAVEN! So I run to the local grocery store to buy a razor (my wife uses an epilady OUCH OUCH!) to shave with when I see this bottle of Nair Bikini Hair remover.

I think to myself “EUREKA!” I get a razor, the Nair, and head home. Now I read the bottle of Nair and it says not to use it on your genitalia but I decide to test it out. Just a tiny bit on the side of the sack and whalla! Hair is gone in about 5 mins. So I slather it on thinking I found the easy way out.

After about 5 to 8 minutes I start to wipe the Nair away and away comes the hair. Everything goes smoothly (pun not intended) but then I turn on the shower. OHHH MYYYY GODDDDD!

In my life, I have had a nose broken to the point cartlidge that came out. A broken leg, arm. Since I’ve even had my vasectomy. None of that pain compares to what I felt when that water hit my genitals. I nearly fainted right on the spot.

Knowing I had to rinse the stuff off I did everything as quickly as I could and then went and laid on the bed. I had no idea what I just did to myself. Panic-stricken I called the 800 number on the bottle and told them what happened. While I expected laughter they actually were quite nice and professional about it. They suggested I wash it off with soap several times to make sure it’s not doing further damage. Pain like no other!

So after washing up I’m back laying on the bed trying to decide what to do. My wife wants to inform the doctor but I’m telling her “no” because I know he’ll have nothing to do with me if he finds out what I’ve done. I’m thinking, “hell I’m already going to be in a ton of pain from the surgery lets just get this over with”.

At this point, I notice the Nair didn’t completely do its job. There’s still some hair down there so I ask the wife to grab the razor and finish it up. She CUTS me. Yes, She cuts me. Exactly what I didn’t want to have happen in the first place, exactly the reason I decided on the Nair. She cut me. Pretty nasty too, almost the entire length of the razor. So I’m trying to get the blood to stop and decide to use one of the shaving sticks to stop it. Once again, PAIN.

So it’s time for my appointment. We get into the car. I can barely sit at this point. Once we’re at the office the Doctor thinks I don’t want to go through with it because I’m white as a ghost. I assure him that I want to.

I go to remove my pants, underwear… but you know how a rug burn kinds of oozes some. yeah. And it stuck to my underwear. So removing my underwear hurt almost as bad as the original washing.

At this point the doctor gets a glance at my goods and exclaims, “HOLY S***, what did you do!?”

I proceed to tell him the Nair story but before I get to the razor part he again exclaims, “Then how did you cut yourself!”

I proceed to tell him about my wife’s attempt at shaving me.

He tells me to pack up and head home. He had no interest in getting involved in that. I don’t blame him. 4 weeks later I returned after shaving myself with a razor, without any incident. So the lesson to be learned… No Nair. Never… Ever… Ever.

12 days later

Exactly 7 days post-surgery I woke up feeling tons better. Back to crawling around on the floor with the kids, test firing the main gun whenever I pleased, etc. There was still some swelling on the left side but it wasn’t painful and other than that everything was exactly perfect.

Today it’s 12 days post surgery and I feel even better. Still swollen on the left side but it’s still not painful. I basically feel like my old self.

My only regret is that I didn’t take it easy more on days 1, 2, and 3. By taking it easy I mean laying down, not sitting in a chair playing computer games or browsing the web which is what I did. Had I stayed in bed I’m betting I would have sped the recovery process by a couple of days at least. Just my guess, obviously.

Upon further discussion with my doctor, I found that the strange sensation (piano wire) feeling I got in my abdomen was likely because I was cramping doing surgery. He said that my nervousness was causing him some problems in that muscles were contracting harder than anyone he’s seen in a very long time. Any time he gave that tugging sensation I remember now that I would nearly contract every muscle in my body.

That being the case, I suggest to anyone getting the surgery to REQUEST valium and make sure it’s a dosage appropriate for your height/weight. Even if you think you don’t need it, take it. It doesn’t affect your judgment that much at all, it’s incredibly safe to take and it really helps eliminate those last-minute jitters and irrational fears you’ll begin to feel. My dosage was light, (I’m 250# and the dosage was for a 150# person, communication mixup), and even so it helped immensely. I honestly think I would have been out the door after the first needle went in.

I also suggest plenty of bed rest and don’t be stupid thinking you should go jogging or something silly like that afterward. I say this because of how many work friends said they went Kayaking, biking, mowing the lawn the day after the surgery. If they actually did this stuff then they are the lucky few. Don’t expect that as your result. Expect to take it easy for a week. Very easy. And that includes limited interaction with your kids, etc.

Update August 22

Well, I got my “all clear” this past Monday. Everything seems to be going well for me. I don’t feel a bit different in that department. The best thing in the world is knowing I’m free from condoms. Cheaper too since we used to buy the sheepskin condoms (I highly suggest them to anyone still having to use them).

Ok so now for the funny part.

I’m not a particularly attractive man. I’m just average. I’m not particularly large-sized, just average. One thing that’s beyond average, however, is the amount of ejaculate I seem to expel. It’s beyond the average amount… Way beyond. I guess every guy has that one thing he excels at huh 🙂

So the urologist I used had you deposit your specimen at home and then drop it off for testing. 2 separate specimens 2 weeks apart. At this point, it’s apparently common knowledge throughout the nurses what I had done to myself with the Nair… and the story that goes along with it. I had gone back to the urologist a couple of times cause I was all freaked out about some of the post-op complications I was feeling… Which, by the way, all turned out to be nothing.

So it’s time to drop off my first specimen and I walk into the urologist’s office. Of course my luck is there’s a middle aged woman at the receptionists desk filling out some paperwork as well as the quite attractive middle aged receptionist. I calmly wait behind the lady filling out paperwork trying not to be noticed. Of course I am and asked how I can be helped. I tell the receptionist that I have a sample to drop off. She asks, “What kind.” hahaha

Now I don’t know about you guys but I’m a bit shy about sperm talk with two women strangers. “Post Vasectomy sample” I reply, don’t ask why I decided to describe it that way. The receptionist peers at me like I’m an idiot. She replies, “Sperm sample”. Of course, the lady filling out paperwork stops at this point and decides to get a good look at me. As would I, I suppose.

I hand the sample to the receptionist/nurse. Her eyebrows raise and she says, “is this one sample?”. I reply it is and the receptionist/nurse promptly calls over another nurse. They meet in the middle of that receptionist backroom that we all know too well as being off-limits. The receptionist shows the nurse and I distinctly hear the comment… “WOW”.

I ask if everything is “OK” and they reply yes. I quickly depart leaving them to discuss my sample without me feeling embarrassed standing there as the paperwork lady tries to figure out what’s so remarkable about the container the nurses are holding up. I even forget my second container for my next sample.

Fast forward 2 weeks and it’s time for my 2nd sample. Now we have to call ahead when we’re going to drop off a sample so they knew I was coming (no pun intended) and they were ready. I steadied my nerves a bit more expecting something of a comment or a look at least. Apparently one of them decided to get up the nerve to broach the subject with me and when dropping off the sample asked, “Was it like that before the vas as well?” She started stumbling with her words trying to politely insinuate her comment was regarding the amount of fluid in the container. I reply “it was” and hear a faint “wow” again stated from someone in the far off. She asks, “every time?”. I reply, “sometimes more”.

At this point, the heavy set mid 40’s nurse who wasn’t afraid to say anything or do anything shows up. She was my nurse during the surgery itself and was obviously not shy… probably has seen it all. “So you’re our big donor,” she says quite loudly. I give a half-smile back. Honestly, how are you expected to respond? I ask when the results will be in (later that day) and wave goodbye to everyone.

Thus concludes my trip down Vasectomy Lane. Unless something terrible happens I can’t imagine anything new coming up. I hope everyone else’s V’s end up going as well or better than my own. I’m glad I had it done overall… even though I was cursing myself for doing it early on in the recovery process. I can sell my stock in the rubber market finally. 🙂 Wonder if they’ll miss this long time customer?

Submitted by Jimmi