Duncan’s story: The unripe Kiwi fruit

5th June

After the eve of operation ‘Are you/we sure about this?’ discussion with the wife I arrive at the hospital. Two vasectomies scheduled for that day but I’m the only one who shows up. I’m starting to get more nervous about the op. My mood deteriorates further after contact with a particularly patronizing nurse – an ‘Angel’ without wings. Despite asking for the operation to be done under a local anesthetic the surgeon says he’s in a hurry and would I mind a general. Suppress panic attack and reluctantly agree… Come around after the operation and feel fine. The wife collects me from the hospital and gives me a bottle of 16yr old Lagavulin and a big kiss.

13th June

I returned to work. Everything feels fine apart from some lower back pain which I put down to walking like John Wayne for a few days.

17th June

The left testicle feels like it’s on fire. The doctor says it’s an infection and prescribed antibiotics. Pain is not severe but bad enough to keep me in the house. Daytime TV is really bad. Three-year-old son is very concerned about his Dad’s sore goolies and has taken to examining his own every 15 minutes. Find strange spongy lump in my scrotum and become convinced that in the surgeon’s haste he left a swab in there.

21st June

Infection not clearing. The temperature drops to 35.5 then shoots up to 39. Spend four hours cooking but then temp goes back to 37 (took Paracetamol). Pain around part of my testicle is excruciating – did he stitch my scrotum to my testicle?

23rd June

Infection definitely not clearing up. Maybe it’s one of those antibiotic-resistant superbugs. The wife suggests positive thinking and buys me a bottle of Stolichnaya vodka (haven’t had a drink for six days).

24th June

Return to the doctor’s office. He says the spongy lump is a haematoma and that both testicles are floating free. He also tells me that the antibiotics haven’t cleared the infection! Prescribed another course of different ab’s. Today has been the lowest point (I hope), mostly due to boredom. Glad I discovered your site – maybe in years to come I’ll look back on this time and laugh but then again maybe not.

Submitted by Duncan