Vasectomy Information Forums Penis Owner’s Manual (humor)

Penis Owner’s Manual (humor)

Please note that the forums are not moderated or reviewed by doctors, and you should not rely on advice or opinions given by other visitors. Always speak to your doctor before acting. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately.


  • Retired account

    Welcome to the world-wide family of penis owners. We trust that you will enjoy many years of trouble-free service from yours. To help ensure that you will, we encourage you to familiarise yourself with the following equipment descriptions, operating instructions and maintenance requirements.

    Body and Interior Specifications (All Model Years)


    Average length and diameter (flaccid)3.5 x 1.25 inches
    Average length and diameter (erect)5.1 x 1.6 inches
    Average percent increase in volume, flaccid to erect300% (wow!)
    Longest medically recorded erection12 inches
    Amount of blood in erect penis8 to 10 x normal
    Average erections per night (while sleeping)5
    Average duration of each nocturnal erection20 to 30 minutes
    Estimated replacement value (good condition)£50,000


    Average length and width1.4 x 1 inch
    Average weight0.875 x 1.75 ounces
    Temperature94.6 degrees Fahrenheit
    Compartments within each400


    Average body’s production50,000 per minute/72 million per day (and remember lads, it only takes 1!)
    Days to maturity84
    Number in ejaculate of average fertile man200 to 600 million
    Number of ejaculate of infertile manless than 50 million
    Percentage of total ejaculate3% – 5%
    Average swimming speed1 to 4 millimetres per minute
    Average life span once mature1 month in you, 1 to 2 days in woman, 2 minutes on sheets


    Average volume of ejaculate0.5 to 1 teaspoon
    Chief ingredientFructose sugar
    Caloric content5 calories per teaspoon
    Protein content6 milligrams per teaspoon
    Average number of ejaculatory spurts3 to 10
    Average interval of ejaculatory contractions0.8 seconds
    Farthest medically recorded ejaculation11.7 inches


    Average capacity7 to 13 ounces
    Normal flow7 to 8 ounces per 10 seconds

    Starting the engine

    The key to your sexual ignition is not between your legs, it’s inside your head. The brain is man’s biggest sex organ, sending nerve impulses running down the spinal cord to trigger an erection. Keep in mind though that since arousal is an electrical spark travelling the neural motorway it can be dulled by a repetitive commute. So vary your starting procedure, explore side roads, stop at a roadside service area, let your partner drive, or, when applicable, road-test a new model.

    Hard starting or stalling

    If your penis fails to become erect, even after repeated cranking, or if you have trouble maintaining an erection, let it idle for a while. Just about every man experiences an occasional erection problem, so try not to let it bother you. If you do it can develop into a psychological problem that can require extensive systems analysis to remedy. Chances are you are just temporarily flooded with work worries, anxiety or fatigue – all of which can temporarily foul your engine. If the problem continues, ask your mechanic about a new injector. Certain drugs can be injected directly into the penis, producing longer lasting (one hour or more) erections within moments. Coming onto the market is a plunger-type system that inserts a small pellet of erection producing medication into the tip of the penis. Another solution is a vacuum constriction device: when the penis is inserted into this cylinder and the attached pump engages, a vacuum is produced that causes blood to flow into the penile shaft. A rubber ring is then slipped onto the base of the penis to trap the blood in the shaft. As a last resort, you may want to consider upgrading to a penile implant. (See “Available options/upgrades”).

    CAUTION! The following can shrink a relaxed penis by two inches or more:- Cold weather, chilly baths or showers, sexual activity, exhaustion, excitement (non-sexual), illness, and Richard Branson.

    Operating instructions

    1. DIRECT THE FLOW OF URINE. The penis contains a narrow hose called the urethra that is attached to the bladder. As the urine level approaches the bladder’s maximum capacity line, you get the urge to pull over. When released, urine is flushed through the urethra, out the tip of the penis, and, according to most women, usually on to the floor next to the toilet. Acting as a regulator for this process is the Pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is what you flex to stop urine flow or rid yourself of those last few drops. (It can also serve as an orgasm regulator. See Troubleshooting” later in this document.)
    2. BECOME RIGID ENOUGH TO ALLOW PENETRATION DURING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. Your penis is equipped with twin hydraulic chambers. During sexual stimulation, these fill with blood until the penis grows firm and erect. After stimulation ends or there’s ejaculation, blood leaves these chambers and the penis softens again. There is usually a recovery or “refractory” period ranging from a few minutes to a full day (depending on the equipment’s age) before another erection can occur. About half of the penis is hidden inside the body, even when erect. It is fastened to the pelvis undercarriage for support.
    3. DEPOSIT SEMEN WITHIN THE VAGINA DURING EJACULATION. Sperm is manufactured inside the testicles, those two ball joints below the drive shaft. From here, it passes into a soft, fibrous organ behind each testicle called the epididymis, where it acquires the long tail necessary for swimming. Sperm then enters the Vas Deferens for storage. This thin hose loops around and splices into the urethra just below the bladder. When it’s time to shift into sexual high gear, sperm is mixed with liquid from the prostate gland and adjoining seminal vesicles. The resulting transmission fluid, called semen, gathers in a holding tank, which gradually swells to pinch the bladder shut and prevent urine from trickling in. Finally, the semen is expelled from the body via the urethra by a series of muscular contractions.

    CAUTION! The testicles need to be slightly cooler than normal body temperature for optimum sperm production. That’s why they hang away from the body. Hot baths and tight underwear can depress sperm count and movement.

    WARNING! Never operate your penis while under the influence of alcohol. Although alcohol lowers inhibitions, most men have less than optimum erections when inebriated. The fear this generates can lead to more frequent bouts of impotence.

    Spare tire

    Your privates did not come equipped with a spare tire. Any roll of fat around your middle was an after-market acquisition that will void the warranty if left in place. It not only interferes with sexual performance but also makes the penis look smaller. Men naturally deposit fat in their abdomen, which includes the area at the base of the penis. As the spare tire inflates, this pad thickens and eventually engulfs a portion of the organ – one inch for every 35 extra pounds. Being overweight is also commonly linked atherosclerosis, or narrowing of the arteries, a primary cause of impotence. It also makes you look silly.

    Running-in period

    To ensure a long, active life for your privates. It’s recommended that you engage in frequent sex. According to noted body mechanics Masters and Johnson, “When the male is stimulated to high sexual output during his formative years and a similar tenor of activity is established for the 31 to 40 year age range, his latter years are usually marked by maintained sexuality.

    Acceleration 0-60 MPH

    Independent testing shows that it generally takes three to five minutes for the flaccid penis of a young male to become fully erect once sexual stimulation begins. This reaction at least doubles with age.

    WARNING! Avoid rapid acceleration on slick surfaces. Failing to do so could cause partial or complete loss of control.

    Sudden stops

    Slamming on the brakes whilst driving at high speed can result in a painful condition. During sexual stimulation, blood gathers in the testicles. If ejaculation doesn’t occur and sexual excitement continues, the resulting congestion in the arteries in that area causes a dull pain, like that of an aching muscle.


    In order to become familiar with the natural feel of your equipment and learn how it responds in different situations high-speed sexual driving on a closed circuit can be helpful. According to a recent survey, nearly one-tenth of British men do this weekly (a greater ration in the North of England naturally). And contrary to popular belief, it will not harm your equipment, in fact, it can be viewed as a good practice lap for sex, where you’re forever flirting with the limits of control.

    Engaging the choke

    To postpone ejaculation and extend lovemaking, engage “the choke”. This technique involves firmly squeezing the top of the penis just behind its head prior to orgasm.

    CAUTION! Any impact on the area where the penis attaches to the pelvis can disrupt its hydraulic function.

    Fuel requirements

    Your privates were designed and developed for optimum performance and efficiency using high-quality fuel. Low-quality fuels cause cholesterol build-up in arteries and veins, thereby reducing blood flow to and from your privates and causing hard starting or stalling. In fact, every one-point increase in your total cholesterol correlates to an almost 1.5 times greater risk of erection problems. To avoid this used fuel that has a fat combination below 30 percent and is low in cholesterol and high in fiber. Such fill-ups will greatly reduce circulatory-system deposits.

    Body work/Chassis considerations

    Regular exercise gives the body a deep healthful luster that lends protection improves performance and helps is hold it’s value for longer. Exercise not only makes the body more fit for sex but also stimulates the mind by making you feel sexier. ABS – Your abdominal muscles (abs) are the chief thrusting muscles for intercourse. To strengthen them, do crunches. These exercises are just like sit-ups except that you don’t raise your body up as far. Simply lie on your back with your hands crossed over your chest Lift your shoulders six to eight inches off the floor, while trying to bring your chin to your chest. You’ll feel a tightening in your gut.


    One-third of all penile ruptures occur during lovemaking. They’re caused by sudden shifts in position or by awkward attempts at parallel parking with the partner on top. The tearing of tissue that occurs within an erect penis is often audible and always extremely painful. Such injures tend to happen where there is a lack of space, such as between the steering wheel and driver’s seat. To protect yourself and your passenger always use turn signals before changing positions.

    Safety belts

    It’s highly recommended that you wear an athletic support (jock strap) for activities that involve running, jumping, and sudden movement. This device tucks the testicles close to the undercarriage to protect them from jarring.

    CAUTION! Wearing polyester underwear may contribute to impotence because of the static electricity generated by man-made materials. Loose 100% cotton shorts are recommended.

    Condom deployment

    Use only condoms from a sealed package bearing an expiry date. Be careful of fingernails, rings, and other objects that could tear or puncture the material. Never open a condom package with your teeth or on your partner’s spiked collar. Squeeze the air from the receptacle end of the condom and roll it down over the erect penis before penetration occurs. Use only water-based lubricants such as K-Y-Jelly with latex condoms. Petroleum-based brands can damage the condom. During withdrawal, hold the base of the condom to keep it from coming off. And use each condom only once.

    Maintenance schedule

    Your privates are the result of centuries of engineering. Before leaving the factory, every effort was made to ensure that they were in good working condition. To keep them running smoothly regular maintenance is required.

    To be done daily

    It’s especially important for uncircumcised men to retract the foreskin and wash around the head of the penis every day.

    To be done weekly (at least)

    Sex is the best exercise for your privates. Regularly flushing the system with nourishing blood and oxygen assures optimum sperm production, prostate health, and overall good performance. When intercourse is not possible, consider revving your engine manually.

    To be checked monthly

    After taking a warm bath or shower to relax the scrotum, you should gently roll each testicle between your fingers. It should be smooth and oval-shaped, feeling kind of like a hard-boiled egg without the shell. Compress it gently, searching for any hard areas or lumps that don’t feel like the surrounding tissue.

    Yearly inspection

    Once your equipment reaches forty years old, have your prostate checked annually. This gland surrounds the urethra like a doughnut and, if left to enlarge, can reduce an older man’s urine stream to a dribble. Prostate cancer is also a concern. Both of these problems can be avoided if detected early. A complete yearly inspection should include three things: A digital rectal exam (sorry mate but we’re talking finger here, not computer). A blood test for prostate-specific antigens (psa), an early warning sign of trouble. An ultrasound scan to create a visible image of the tissue.

    WARNING! Using your privates for anything other than their intended purpose voids all warranties, written or implied.


    The frequency of ejaculation/Intercourse among:-

    20-29 year olds = 4-5 times weekly 30-39 year olds = 2-4 times weekly 40-49 year olds = 1-2 times weekly 50-59 year olds = 0-1 times weekly 60 plus = 1-2 times monthly Shagnasty = 5 times daily! (Oh Yes my friends)

    Automatic system check

    Each night, your privates automatically run a self-diagnostic systems check. Most times you will be unaware this is happening. Periodic erections will occur whilst you’re asleep, as will an occasional emission. Do not be alarmed. Your privates are simply flushing themselves with fresh blood and oxygen to stay in optimum working condition. If you have a reasonable doubt this is happening, do the following test: Wrap some postage stamps from a roll firmly around the base of your penis and tape the ends together. The next morning, if the stamps are torn along the perforation, you’ve had an erection. (If you wake up in Newcastle sorting office with a postmark, try the test again, but don’t sleep so close to the post-box.)

    Fluid leaks

    After urinating, apply gentle upward pressure under the base of the penis. This will usually squeeze out any remaining drops and prevent any embarrassing stains on the upholstery.

    Checking under the bonnet

    Your penis comes from the factory with its head completely covered by a fleshly protective foreskin. Some penis owners have had this foreskin surgically removed by an authorized mechanic via circumcision. This is usually performed for religious and/or aesthetic reasons because, if basic hygiene is followed, the presence or absence of a bonnet does not affect sensitivity, sexual performance, or susceptibility to mechanical failure.

    Lubrication adding oil

    For extra comfort and performance during long drives or when operating your penis in extremely dry conditions, you’ll need to re-lube. Brands such as K-Y Jelly can be reactivated with a simple spritz of water.

    Disposing of used oil

    When indiscriminately discarded, used oil can foul the bedroom environment. Flavored lubes leave a sticky residue the required a soap-and-water scrubbing. Most no flavored brands wipe clean with a towel.


    Your privates are exposed to the corrosive effects of dirt, perspiration, and vaginal fluids (some of which in my experience can be more corrosive than others). To protect the finish, trim, and exposed underbody, it’s important to wash often and thoroughly. Scrub any dirt and salt from crevices in the undercarriage and check that all drain holes are free from debris. After washing, allow all surfaces to drain and dry before parking in a confined space. If required you may polish your privates immediately.

    Minor chips and scrathes

    The skin of the penis and testicles is remarkably resilient. For chafing and small cuts that cause minimal bleeding, just wash with soap and water and apply an antiseptic ointment.

    Major dents

    If you get hit in the testicles, scream, lie down, apply an ice-packed cloth, and take some deep breaths. If there’s swelling and the pain doesn’t subside within a few minutes, continue the icing and get to a garage and seek mechanical assistance. A severe groin injury can cause sterility.


    The diagnoses outlined are intended to serve only as guides to locate and temporarily correct minor faults or worries. The causes of unsatisfactory performance should be investigated and corrected by your doctor.



    Penis seems small.Few men are satisfied with the size of their penis. Keep in mind that the average vagina is just three to five inches long.
    Left testicle is slightly larger and hangs lower than the right one.Rarely are both testicles identical. In fact, the left one hangs lower in 80 percent of all cases.
    Erections do not occur as quickly, nor are they as firm as they were.This is common with older models. However, exercising regularly, following a low-fat diet, avoiding smoking, and limiting alcohol are all antidotes, as is longer and more creative foreplay.
    Ejaculation happens way to fast.Try strengthening your PC muscle with Kegel exercises. The PC is the muscle you use to stop urine flow. Contract it now to familiarise yourself with the feeling. What you just did was a Kegel. Do 20, 50, 100, or more daily – at your desk or in the bath. Since it’s the same muscle that contracts for ejaculation, strengthening it will give you more control during sex.
    Ejaculation isn’t as forceful or as plentiful as it once was.Such misfiring often occurs with older engines. In fact, with vintage models, ejaculation may not occur at all, although an orgasm is experienced.
    Pain in testicle.Intermittent twinges are common, and anything that lasts less than a minute or so is no cause for worry. Testicular pain that builds gradually is usually caused by an infection or inflammation. Consult a certified mechanic or authorized dealership.

    Available options/upgrades

    Customize your privates to fit all your lifestyle needs


    Enjoy worry-free motoring by having a trained technician cut the Vas Deferens, thereby preventing sperm from reaching the urethra. It’s a safe quick (seven to ten minute), effective means of birth control, plus the sensation of ejaculation remains unchanged. Available in traditional snip or modern laser.


    Preserve the raw beauty of your libido with testosterone! This potent male hormone, manufactured chiefly in the testicles, is responsible for your sexual desire and, to some degree, your erections. But production declines after age 50. Some men, who have no physical problems but experience flagging desire, may benefit from testosterone supplements, which can be taken orally through a skin patch or injection.

    Penis enlargement

    Gain valuable inches by expanding your trunk! Body-Shop mechanics penis appear larger by cutting the ligaments that attach it to the pubic bone. Once this is done, the penis hangs a bit lower and looks larger. In addition body fat can also be injected under the skin of the penile shaft to make it thicker.

    WARNING! Most mechanics do not approve of the enlargement procedure, which compromises the penile suspension system and may undermine resale value. Consumers have reported a lack of stability and loss of control when operating at high speeds.


    See “Checking under the bonnet” above.

    Foreskin resoration

    For those who have grown unhappy with their circumcised model, Foreskin restoration may be possible. In this Do-It-Yourself procedure, skin from the shaft of the penis is gradually stretched with tape and even weights until it allegedly resembles a normal foreskin.

    WARNING! The foreskin will not be restored to showroom condition.

    Penile implants

    If you have chronic difficulty getting an erection and other impotence treatments have failed, consider the new line of deluxe penile implants. These are cylinders that are surgically placed inside the penis to make it firm enough for intercourse. Two models are available. A non-hydraulic implant consists of a pair of flexible silicone rods that can be bent up or down by hand. It’s the simplest design, but since the penis remains semi-rigid, some men find it difficult to wear Chinos. A hydraulic implant includes a pair of hollow rods, a reservoir of saline solution, and a pump, all concealed within the body. For an erection, you simply squeeze your scrotum to inflate the penis.

    Happy ownership!

    david onno

    What about ultra sonic treatment for engines that just won’t start?

Reply To: Penis Owner’s Manual (humor)

More from the forums