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Do It Yourself Vasectomy Kit (Vasectomy Humor)

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  • Retired account

    The following is the content of an auction that was (quite justifiably) pulled from eBay after about a day. I was asleep when it got pulled, so I have no idea if it received any bids, nor how many hits it got.

    DIY Vasectomy Kit Logo

    Surpised face

    So you’ve decided not to breed.

    A wise choice – just ask anyone.

    But sterilization surgeries can be costly. And think of the risk!

    There must be a way to remove yourself from the gene pool without the inconvenience of visiting a licensed medical professional.

    Eureka!

    Eureka!

    Imaginary Friends have the solution with Home Vasectomy Kit®!

    Man drinking

    A good anesthetic (not included) is essential to any successful, enjoyable home surgery.

    Man holding two bottles of alcohol

    Two good anesthetics are better than one (still not included).

    Man drinking from two bottles

    Slow down there, friend. You’ll need to be able to see – and cut – straight.

    Man holding a plastic knife

    Imaginary Friends Genuine Home Surgical Tools® are guaranteed to be dull so you can avoid the tricky, dangerous sharp edges of other home surgical tools.

    You’re almost ready to start. As with any surgery, it’s crucial to select a safe, clean working environment such as your bathtub.

    Grab your tools and have a seat.

    Man sitting in a bathtub holding a plastic knife

    It’s time to make the first incision.

    Grasp the vas tube on one side under the scrotal skin. Then make a 1cm incision through the scrotal skin and through the sheath or covering of the vas until the whole vas is exposed.

    It’s easy!

    Man in bathtub surrounded by fake blood splatter

    Oopsy-daisy!

    No need to worry. A little bleeding is normal.

    Dissect the arteries, veins, and nerves free at the vas tube.

    Man gives thumbs up while covered in fake blood splatter

    That anesthetic holding up alright? Good.

    In the event of blood spurting out in long arcs, simply apply even pressure to the affected area.

    Remember, a healthy attitude promotes healing.

    Man pretending to stich himself

    Now it’s time to bring to play all the skills that earned you that merit badge in needlepoint.

    Tie the ends of the dissected vas and suture the scrotal incision. Repeat the above steps on each side.

    Man ripping a bandaid while covered in fake blood

    A little carefully applied a bandage and you’re as good as new!

    Man covered in fake blood pretending to call

    Remember to keep those emergency numbers handy. The fine people at your local 911 dispatch will be more than happy to help you in the rare event that bleeding should continue abnormally. Just remember to reply with an emphatic “no” when the EMTs ask if you still want to hurt yourself.

    Congratulations! You’re sterile!

    Now get out there and show the ladies of the world what you’ve got! OK, maybe you should wait for the swelling and pus to subside…

    Close-up of Legs with fake blood going down the drain

    Bid now and bid high for Imaginary Friends Home Vasectomy Kit®!

    Fake Imaginary Friends Home Vasectomy Kit

    Kit includes:

    • Genuine Home Surgical Tools® – Little Red Hook Thingy® meets all your tiny hooking needs. Genuine Serrated Slicey Tool® guaranteed not to be dangerously sharp. Not available anywhere else… we checked!
    • SutureBuddy® (with space-age needle-and-thread technology) – What can be said about the importance of good, solid sutures in your groinal area?
    • Sterile Genuine Plastic Bandages – Keep those stitches clean…and stop chewing at them!
    • FREE BONUS! Sop-Eze® Fluid Absorption Devices – Just the thing for all your sopping needs!

    Anesthetic/antiseptic not included – BYO. Imaginary Friends have issues. Imaginary Friends plump when you cook them. Imaginary Friends won’t call you the next day. Imaginary Friends accept no liability for any injury, loss, or damages resulting from any surgery performed in any home. If you’re impressionable, stupid, or crazy enough to actually try this, tell ’em you saw it on Jackass.

    PayPal (usually fastest) and money orders accepted. Cash at the buyer’s own risk only.

    This is a real auction. Serious bidders only.

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