Vasectomy is a safe and simple procedure. We understand that many men have understandable apprehension and we have collected a sampling of our Most Frequently Asked Questions along with our replies. We here at Cygne and Associates wish to make your vasectomy experience memorable.
Drs Alan Cygne and Adolf Schnitt
1. Should I "shave" before I come in?
Definitely. With a sharp razor, warm water and antibacterial soap, shave the entire chest, arms, abdomen, pubic escutcheon, inguinal area, any genital or scrotal hair and the legs down to the ankles. This will make pantyhose and leotards easier to slip into. Many men find they develop a desire for "soft silky undergarments" nest to their skin after a vasectomy. this is normal.
2. Will there be women present?
No. All females (such as the class and staff of the Clinic Nursing School) will be behind a one way mirror. The nurse assisting your physician is a large male nurse named Bruno. He is quite capable of handling vasectomy patients and keeping them occupied and distraced during the procedure.
3. What will you do with the tissue that will be removed? Will it be used in anything experimental as is common with fetal tissue?
All tissue becomes the property of Cygne and Associates and is consumed on the premises. Fava beans and a light Chianti are optional.
4. Is it possible to just clip one of my testegettis during this procedure and come back next week to complete the operation after I see how I feel?
The proper term for 'testegettis' is vas deferens. While it is possible to do one side and wait, the patient usually does not wish to undergo the tranquilizer-darting, leather restraints and pre-vasectomy examination by Bruno more than once. Often the patients do not return and must be hunted down, roped and vasectomized in the field (an unsanitary procedure at best) resulting in considerable loss of reputation with the patient's neighbors.
5.Will this in any way adversely effect my ability to use an English saddle (without pommel) with my horseback classes?
You may still use such a saddle with no difficulty. However, many post vasectomy patients find it more 'stimulating' to use a Western saddle with large pommel and Vaseline, K-Y or another lubricant. You may also wish to switch mounts for a stallion if you ride frequently.
6.Will the procedure affect the appearance or elasticity of my scrotum (Iunderstand it may cause "drop ball" syndrome)?
"Ball drop" or Testicular Prolapse can occur. it is managed easily by simply watching where you step whe you are not wearing a support. If you DO experience pain or discomfort in the operated area, look under your feet. One patient of Dr. schnitt who possessed quite large testes is now gainfully employed each New year's Eve in New York. He has turned his "ball drop" into an asset to be proud of!
7. Following my procedure, is there any danger in wearing zippered trousers?
None at all. However, note that had you been less cautious with zippers all your life, you would not, now, need to pay so much for a vasectomy, a procedure that many zippers can perform swiftly and for free.
8. Following the procedure, does the possibility exist that my testicle(s) may float away and lodge in one of my lower extremities (like an ankle)?
What makes you think we plan to leave the testicles remaining in the scrotum? As we stated above, all tissue becomes the property of Cygne and Associates.
9.Will the procedure affect the tenor of my voice?
Not appreciably. It will, however, affect your pronunciation, causing you to pronounce sibilants as 'th' sounds. This and wrist drop are two of the side effects possible.
10. Will people "know" I have had the operation?
Not at all. therefor, we have taken the liberty of saving you the trouble and, upon receipt of your appointment confirmation for this procedure, we have notified your neighbors, employer and the police department of your new status.
11. Is the procedure video taped, and do I have to pay for a copy?
Payment is not necessary. You will, however, be paid royalties following theatrical release, according to SAG/AFTRA scale guidelines.
12. Is there a possibility that this will cure involuntary ejaculation?
Oh yes. It will also prevent erection, urine retention and pimples. We advise you to acquire a reliable product such as Kimberly Clark's Depends Undergarments.
13. Are there any special ointments or salves that I can use post procedure? My wife used Vitamin E after her pregnancy.
No, but we do reccomend copious self administration of Yukon Jack or Everclear along with castor oil the evening before your procedure.
14. If the procedure is successful, does my wife have to stay on the pill?
Since consummation of your marriage will no longer become possible, yes. We don't trust your wife, EITHER.
15. I understand following the operation I will have to return and present semen samples. Should I obtain a sample from home, or wait until your office to assure freshness?
Nurse Bruno will take care of that procedure. You will receive royalties for that tape as well.
16. How long is my therapy, what does it entail, and is that covered with my insurance?
This is a matter best taken up with your psychiatrist and parole officer.
17. Can you recommend a cup or splint device to stabilize and provide a safe environment for the effected regions?
Actually, after the procedure, we recommend that you curl up on your side on the floor, hands between your legs, gripping the inguinal area as you writhe. this affords protection to the genital area without interfering with Bruno's postprocedure inspection.
18. Following the procedure, how will I know when I ejaculate?
You will see minor amounts (1-4 cups) of blood in your Depends at each attempted emission.
19. During my recovery, should my kids and dog "Bouncy" go and stay with relatives?
Definitely not. This is why your children are in therapy and the ASPCA is investigating you NOW. Your parole officer should have filled you in on these details.
20. Following the operation, is there a possibility that I will lose facial hair and/or grow breasts?
No. It is a certainty.
My friends are in your hands, They, along with your family, are being investigated.
Alan Cygne MD and Adolf Schnitt M.D
Bruno Reems RN